I post a lot of photos on social media. I post ALL of my published stories on social media. It would seem I have a very full and content life. But the truth is far different.
For about a year and half, I’ve felt completely alone. Yes, my friends and family who are reading this, you’ve tried to be there for me. But, let’s be real, you have your own lives.
I’m fortunate that I live close to the person who means the most to me in the world, my son. And I’ve even had a chance to work with him, which has been one of the highlights of my life.
I also live near my father. I wouldn’t talk to him about this stuff, because he has enough on his plate. He has end stage kidney disease and is currently struggling with the reality that he’s being asked to retire — at nearly 87-years-old. I can’t imagine the hole I will feel when he’s no longer around.
This post is not meant to be my pity party. This is me putting something real and unvarnished out into the world. No filters. No fake happy faces. I write this to say to anyone who has every felt like this, that I’m one of you. My social media looks happy, but my reality is one that’s very dark and very sad.
A friend of mine recently said to me, “you need a lot of attention.” I don’t think that’s true, but I do find, that when it comes to my friends, I’m the one who usually reaches out. I know it’s not because they don’t care about me or don’t think about me, but it’s because they have busy lives, filled with lots of people who either live with them or work with them. I enjoy my own company, but that doesn’t mean I’m not lonely.
I live and work alone now and I’ve never been more productive or my writing so strong. Thankfully, my work gives me a great deal of joy.
Some people who read this will secretly be elated that I feel bad. Maybe even believe I deserve it. Maybe I do deserve it. Maybe it’s some kind of karmic thing, a lesson the universe is trying to teach me, so that when the day comes that I no longer feel this way, I’ll really appreciate it.
At the end of the day, we’re all alone right? That’s what they say. My mother died alone in a hospital bed fighting for her life. And as I age and look more and more like her, I wonder if I too will die alone. Probably.
I don’t want to stay alone forever. I’m trying to find a life-partner who’ll stand by my side, but it hasn’t happened yet. For now, I have my dog, my work, people who care about me, and my health. That will have to be enough for now. Maybe that will have to be enough forever.